Trust : How to Build It with Co-Workers

Q. Yesterday I was trying to get support for an idea, and was shocked when someone told me, “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I can count on you to follow through.” I asked a friend about it, and he said sometimes I say I’ll do something, but don’t keep my word. Isn’t this just being human—especially if conditions change? —Terry S.

A. Maybe. But you may want to look at your behaviors to see if there are more than a few times when you haven’t kept your word. Sometimes it takes only one event for someone to lose trust in us, and it’s hard to get it back. James J. and Constance M. Messina have created an impressive web site (coping.org) that offers more than 15 free booklets on how to cope with the stresses in life. Here’s part of what they say about building trust:

People who have problems trusting others usually have been hurt or let down in the past, and have built up defenses so it won’t happen again. If you did let someone down, it’s important to go to that person, apologize, and try to rebuild his trust in you. Another way to look at it: think of it as having let yourself down—not living up to the commitment you’ve made to yourself. Here are some steps we can take to develop behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs that will help others to trust us:

Have confidence in the goodness of mankind:

Without this attitude, we can become emotionally stuck, and isolated. Believing in the inherent goodness of people is based on our willingness to believe that not all people are evil, bad, or ill-willed.

Believe in the fairness of life: 

This is similar to the “boomerang belief:” what we throw out to others eventually comes back to us. It’s important to believe that, if we’re fair, honest or nurturing, we’ll eventually receive that behavior back. This value helps people be open to us—and risk being showing us how they feel (“I don’t think my background is strong enough for me to be successful with this project.”)

Create a healing environment:

This means creating a bond of trust with others in our lives—where blaming, accusing, and bitterness don’t exist. When we’re in the healing mode, Drs. Messina say, we actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. Then, when we’re able to forget, let go, and release ourselves from past hurts, we open ourselves to the trust of others.

Reduce your need to compete:

Competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with others are destructive attempts to make ourselves “right” and others “wrong.” Better: lower any psychological barriers we have with other people.

Risk being open to others: 

This shows us as real persons, and makes others less defensive around us. It builds trust, because it sets up boundaries of strengths and weaknesses both partners can draw on as a relationship develops.

Let yourself be vulnerable:

This opens us to being hurt by others who know our weaknesses and strengths. But it’s an essential step in building trust. We lay our cards on the table in a gamble that, in our self-revelation, (“I’m worried I won’t be able to handle this job.”) we stop trying to be someone they want us to be. This can be challenging and potentially threatening—but necessary in helping others to trust us.

Let go of fear: 

This frees us from behavioral constraints that can “freeze” our emotional development. Fear of rejection, failure, success, being hurt, the unknown, and intimacy block the growth of any relationship.

Accept yourself: 

Accepting who we are and knowing our potential is an important step in letting down our guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with someone else. If we are we can’t accept ourselves first, then how can we accept others—which is crucial if they’re going to trust us?

One final thought. Not everyone wants trust or self-disclosure. If it feels right for you to live this way—whether on the job of off, then go for it. At the same time, realize that some employees and bosses don’t have these values. If your instinct or experience tells you this is the case, be careful about being too vulnerable. It could be foolish—even disastrous—to show your weaker side to people who don’t share your values. I feel positive enough about my world to believe that most people are warm and caring. But I also respect an old Arabic saying, “Trust in Allah—but tie up your camel.”